You know those days that everything falls into place, and you can count your blessings so easily, and couldn't wipe the smile off of your face? Well.. Yesterday was Not one of those days.
I have so much to be thankful for. I've told myself that all day...When I get stressed or have too much to think about Pop comes to mind. I know this is a good thing. I know he is watching over me. I know that... but today while I was cleaning out some notebooks I came across a note dated 5/8/10. Clearly more than a year after Pop passed... As I read over it a flood of memories came to mind.. a flood of emotions... I will be married in less than 7 months. I've dreamed about this day since I can remember.. not about the details, not about the colors, but about dancing and laughing and loving all day long. The closer our wedding gets the more I start to freak out about the fact that the one person I want to be there, sitting in the front row smiling... won't. He won't be here.
Pop passed on February 13, 2009. Literally days after I returned home from a family vacation to California. I remember the calls, I don't know who called and told me the news first, either Kevin or Fran but I balled. "Pop-Pop is in the hospital." I froze. I knew I should have went to visit them before I got on that plane. I KNEW IT. . . but I didn't. "Don't worry, it's just routine." is what they said... He was always in and out of the hospital.. he was a fighter, I knew that.. The next phone call wasn't as calming... He is in ICU. I was going to buy the first ticket home, but they kept saying, don't worry it's ok... I balled and balled and balled. This is my POP. It's hard to put into words what he meant to me.. but he was definitely one of a kind. I was surrounded by love in California, but the rest of the week I was haunted with what was happening in Maryland. In Easton.
We flew in on Tuesday, got back home around 630pm and it was off to Easton for Bud and I. It was so much worse than I was ready for. Nothing anyone said prepared me for the condition he was in. He couldn't breathe on his own, therefore he couldn't even talk to me. They tried taking out the tube a few times and he couldn't breathe on his own.... I had to realize that he wasn't going to make it. We all had to realize it. I went back to see him the next night. Thursday I just couldn't go.... I went to work on Friday morning and knew I needed to get to Easton. Fran called me at 10:30ish and asked if I was home, .."no at work, why?" Then I knew... I knew it.. I could hear her voice shake when she said.. "you have to come to Easton, now... this is your last chance."
"Phone rang early one morning... mama's voice she'd been crying...said its your daddy you need to come quick.. this is it.. I think he's dyin.."
I drove 80 all the way to Easton, then turned around to pick up my brother outside of Denton, then flew 80 all the way back to Easton. I got in there, everyone was there... what a weird way to see all of your relatives, right? I mean what do you say? I so wanted Bud to be there with me. . . he was coming from work. It was a few hours of in and out of his room.. the nurses were all so nice, they knew it was his last day. . . We asked him if he was ready to go home, he nodded.. I cried. I stroked his soft white hair and looked into his eyes and knew I would never ever have someone like him in my life again. He knew he was ready to go home..We knew he was ready to go home... He couldn't talk, but he winked and smiled at me to let me know that it was all gonna be okay... That is the worst pain I think I've ever felt.
My dad, his brothers and sister and my Mom-mom went in and said their goodbyes to him before the nurse came in to take out the tube and turn off the machines. Then there we were.. all of us... standing in the waiting room, waiting for the nurse to tell us we could come back in.... Then the elevator door opened and there was Bud. What a gift from God. Together we walked into that ICU room and watched, with my family at his bed, my Pop take his last breath.
And just like that ... he was gone.
"This is my temporary Home, It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop,on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home."
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